I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize