Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
