i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
