So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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