god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
