just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
