The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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