i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
