My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
