hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
