I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
