Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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