You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
