Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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