We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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