Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
