I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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