I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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