Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
