My nipple is on Facebook.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
