Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
