I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
