I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
