i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
