pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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