You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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