nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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