I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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