so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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