So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
