Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
