Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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