my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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