i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
