ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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