I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
