I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
