Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
