New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
