I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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