I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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