I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
