so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
