i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
