there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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