well I can't set my house on fire every night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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