you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
