You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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