Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
