So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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