I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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