It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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