I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
