just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
