I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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