Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
