my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
