Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
