I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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