well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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