yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
