it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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