I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We left the knife in your bed.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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