from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
