Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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